You are at the mall, and your eyes happen to come across someone so attractive to you that the world seems like it has begun to move in slow motion. This dreamy figure glances your way, flashes you a picture-perfect smile, and takes your breath away. It is love at first sight! First comes love, then comes marriage. You are already picturing your wedding, your kids, your perfect life with this soulmate who just happened to cross your path at the mall.
Although this is the typical narrative in popular culture, we have to remember that television and movies are fictional. We, on the other hand, live in the real world, where whirlwind romances such as these can be impulsive and impractical – and unsustainable. Pegging our hopes on unrealistic expectations can lead to crushed dreams, egos, and families. If a couple does ‘fall in love’ in such a way before marriage, it is often not based on long-term compatibility. Once they do get married, the realities of spending life together can come as a shock, and couples may be left wondering: why does everything not feel as magical and easy as it is supposed to?
In contrast, the Islamic system of marriage presents a strong and more sustainable model: first comes marriage, then comes love. This is because falling in love is a lifelong process. You may feel that you fell in love with your spouse at first sight, whether it was when you saw his/her profile on the Rishta Nata database or when you met one another through family. However, that was a love of the idea of your spouse. It was not a love for the way your spouse manages his/her finances or makes tough decisions. It was not a love for the way your spouse parents, or behaves with his/her own parents. It was not a love for the way your spouse leaves the kitchen after a meal, or how responsible they are with household chores. Rather, it was just the first step of a lifelong process of falling in love with one another. The process of falling in love can only be completed after marriage, once the dust has settled and you are facing reality together.
In order to prepare for this, we must pray to Allah to help us fall in love with our soon-to-be spouse in a real and sustainable way. We must pray and prepare for this as we order our wedding clothes and table centerpieces and arrange for photographers and caterers. While planning a wedding can be stressful and overwhelming, we must not overlook also planning for the marriage. This is because it is Allah Who puts that love in our hearts. It is Allah Who can turn our hearts toward one another, even if a match seems incompatible at first. Although each marriage has its share of ups and downs, everlasting happiness and love between a husband and wife is attainable, if we follow and believe in the Islamic system of marriage.
“O ye people! Fear your Lord, Who created you from a single soul and created therefrom its mate…”
Al Qur’an 4:2
Allah says in the Holy Qur’an, in Chapter 4, Verse 2: “O ye people! Fear your Lord, Who created you from a single soul and created therefrom its mate…” This binding together of hearts by Allah that is mentioned in the Holy Qur’an, ta‘lif-ul-quloob, shows us that true love can be achieved when we put our marriages in Allah’s Hands. Allah has created mates for us, and He is the one who fills our hearts with love for that mate.
The lesson in all of this is that falling in love is a process, and it starts and ends with Allah. When a marriage proposal comes to us, we must pray for it. It may not seem perfect, but we can take a leap of faith and say yes to it. After the match is finalized, the future couple and both sets of parents must humble themselves before Allah and beg Him to instill love in the hearts of this couple for one another. The man and women should begin to offer voluntary nawafil for their future marriage from the moment the match has been finalized, and this is a habit they should continue together after marriage. Entrusting our hearts and marriages to Allah is the best way to fall in love with our spouses after marriage. It is the best way to build a realistic, sustainable, firm relationship than the fleeting ones that the media sell to us. Prayer is the foundation upon which we must erect our tall, strong, unbreakable marriages. With prayer, Allah can help us fall in love with our spouses.
So, is it possible to fall in love after getting married? Yes. In fact, we cannot truly fall in love with one another in a real and everlasting way until after marriage. The act of marriage itself is the psychological force that propels us to commit to spending our lives together through thick and thin, through the good times and bad. True love naturally follows when we make this commitment and are experiencing the realities of life together as husband and wife. When we turn to Allah and follow the Islamic model of marriage, when we make this commitment and really pray for it – we can truly fall in love with our spouse. In fact, Allah can bless our marriages with such bliss and joy, that it can feel like our lives are more of a fairytale than Disney could ever conjure up. Insha’Allah and Ameen!
